Risky business, showing my hand like this...

As of late, I have been thinking a lot about my first love. Not in a creepy, "track-him-down-and-see-what-he-is-doing-now" sort of way, but how I dealt with the nerve-wracking, fragile, burgeoning, "does he like me?" stage of our relationship... Why you ask?? Well, I like a boy, and for some reason, I have fallen into a "I am not going to tell him I like him, and try to ignore it" phase... Denial that he is not interested? Fear of rejection? The fact that I believe it is not going to turn out the way I want it to? The fact that I would just rather suffer in silence to continue hanging out with him? I can't really say, to be honest. The only thing that I am sure of is the fact that my little ego seems to get more and more fragile as I get older, as opposed to my younger years, when I didn't care if someone returned my affection or not. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Isn't our skin suppose to thicken as we get older?

On the other side of the coin, there is a boy that really likes me, but I think that he might be too nice for me... I know, I know, aren't we all looking for a nice boy. And yes, I am crazy... totally certifiable; The first nice boy in ages and I balk! I like him too, but I am just scared that I will end up running him down and eating him alive... In the end, I am afraid that I will hurt him, and that he will think that I am a bitch. Those that really know me understand that my personality, if not matched with roughly the same strength personality, has the potential to mame even the slightest of sensitive souls. Not on purpose of course, but my belief that I am truly one of those people that is not for everyone, continues to cement with each passing year... But, who else can I be? I have tried to moderate my behavior, but the bitter, biting sarcasm always comes out, and then some guy ends up wandering away dazed and confused as to what hit him.

There's a lot to be said for self-delusionment when it comes to matters of the heart...

Wow, a slightly depressing blog today... But, unfortunately that is where I am in my life right now... Man, I desperately need my upcoming leave!

66H out...